Something Strange
by Shananagin
Summary: This is an incredably strange story. It involves Discworld characters randomly switching places with Harry Potter Characters. Enjoy!
1. In Which there is Confusion

Disclaimer: When my world domination quest is complete, I will own not only the rights to Harry Potter and Discworld, but everything else too!

They say that enough monkeys on typewriters will eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

This story has very little to do with monkeys, typewriters, or Shakespeare.

It does have to do with libraries.

This is a very strange story. Read at your own risk.

An orangutan was happily typing on Leonard of Quirm's brilliant invention, the Thing-Which-Makes-Letters-When-You-Push-Them. This was not a monkey, and he did not come out with the complete works of Shakespeare.

In a different universe, a wizard named Ron Weasley was following in his Dad's footsteps. He was tinkering with a muggle tool called a typewriter. With a prod of his wand in just the right place, it began to type by itself.

"Ook?" said the orangutan, who happened to also be the Librarian at the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork. He had just noticed that his random typing had come up with seven novels about a young man named Harry Potter. Although he was like no wizard that the Librarian knew, and he knew many, his book made out that Harry Potter was a wizard.

At the same moment, Ron noticed that his enchanted typewriter had written thirty or so novels about a strange place called Discworld.

All libraries are connected. Even if they are in different universes. They exist in what is known as L-Space.

The novels showing up in the wrong worlds caused a rip in the book-time continuum.

There was a noise, a sort of _gloop._

Suddenly, the world started spinning, faster and faster and faster. Then it stopped. In a library. Sixteen people were sitting on either side of a long table.

The Librarian looked around. He knew the people on his side of the table, but not the others. "Oo-" he started to say, but was cut off by a loud "Shhh!"

"Hello, and welcome to the Library From Which All Other Libraries Spring Forth," whispered a formidable looking librarian, "I'm afraid even the quietest of whispers is not allowed here, you cannot possibly be silent enough. I'm not quite sure what happened back there, but we can't undo it now, so I'm just going to introduce you to each other, and let you get on with it." She walked towards the end of the lines, where the Librarian was slouching across from a tough looking lady. "Madam Irma Pince," she said, "meet the Librarian," she continued down along the table, introducing as she went along, "This is Commander Sam Vimes, meet Harry Potter. Ron Weasley, meet Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson. Hermione Granger, this is Sergeant Angua. Lord Havelock Vetinari, meet Dumbledore. Charlie Weasley, this is Lady Sybil Vimes. Granny Weatherwax, meet Professor Minerva McGonagall. Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, meet Rincewind the, er, wizard."

Everyone just stared at each other and blinked.

"Now that we're all such good friends," the librarian whispered, after giving them approximately four seconds to "get to know" each other, "Its time for you to go back to your worlds, or rather, not." She didn't do anything really, but the room started spinning and everyone landed right where they weren't supposed to be.

Vimes, Carrot, and Angua found themselves being chased by three teenage boys.

"What's happening?" Angua shouted, glancing back at the three teenagers who were waving sticks around menacingly, "Why are we running away?"

"No idea!" Vimes shouted back, "lets stop, and find out what they're guilty of." He stopped quickly, and was followed by Angua and Carrot. They turned around.

"They're stopping!" shouted Draco Malfoy. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle, Malfoy's henchmen, looked on stupidly. "Potter, Weasley, and Granger are _dead!_" He ran forward. But something was wrong.

"Wait a minute! You're not Potter! And you're not Weasley! And your not the mudblood Granger! What happened to them?" Malfoy screamed.

"What's a mudblood?" Angua asked.

"Sounds like a rude word," Vimes replied.

"Excuse me lads," Carrot said, "Do you think you can tell us where we are? We seem to have been misplaced. Don't worry, it happens all the time, the Unseen University being what it is! Not to worry, the wizards will fix it up in a flash! Which way to Ankh-Morpork?"

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle looked at him stupidly.

"…who are you?" Crabbe asked, voicing the opinion of the other two.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry, Ron, and Hermione found themselves in front of an insane murderer. He had a crossbow aimed right at the trio.

"Say your goodbyes! The end of the Watch is coming! Good bye Vimes…Wait, you're not Vimes!" he shouted.

"_PETRIFICUS TOTALLUS!_" bellowed Hermione. The murderer tensed up and dropped like a board.

"Er, we may want to take him to that house over there that says 'City Watch,'" said Ron.

"Good idea," said Harry.

All these books! Most of them didn't even _exist _in Ankh-Morpork. The Librarian spent the afternoon reading all of the books in the regular section. He only stopped occasionally to frighten away students who felt obliged to try to _read_ the books. The Librarian didn't want them to wear out the words! Even now, a skinny boy with a camera was coming into the library.

"Colin, don't go in there without a banana! He'll kill you!" said an anonymous student outside of the Library.

"Don't worry! I've got one right here!" said Colin, waving the Banana in the air.

The Librarian ambled over to Colin. The boy trembled a bit as the huge Ape approached.

"Here you go, take the nice banana, it's a good one, isn't it? Fresh from the kitchen! Yes! Now smile for the camera! Nice monkey!" Colin stammered out.

The silence was so strong, it was loud.

"OOOK!" The Librarian yelled.

_**We regret to inform you that the following exchange between the Librarian and one Colin Creevey is too unpleasant to relate. Suffice to say that, with enough care from Madame Poppy Pomfrey, he survived.**_

Madame Pince gasped. This must be what heaven was like! Books, books, books, as far as the eye could see. She started walking through the aisles, not even reading, just touching the amazing, endless books. She turned a corner into a different aisle.

She shrieked and ran back to the information desk. Madame Pince found a ball of twine and a heavy club. Tying one end of the twine to a sturdy pole that looked made for just that purpose (actually, it was) she resumed her wanderings, club at the ready.

-----------------------

Dumbledore found himself at the head of a table full of muggles. All of them were clammering for something to be done about someone named Vimes. He could barely understand what they were saying. Finally it was too much for his old ears.

"Could everyone please be quiet?" he yelled.

Everyone looked at him, for the first time.

"You aren't the Patrician!" shouted someone.

"Very observant of you. I'm Professor Albus Dumbledore. Who are you, where am I? And don't you realize I have a school to run?"

---------------------

Vetinari looked around. A few minutes of observation told him that he was in a school, and apparently the head of it. He ambled over to a large chair near a bird that was on fire and sat down. Seeing all sorts of paperwork that he was no doubt supposed to do, he started writing.

A little later, he heard a hesitant knock on his door. "Come in!" he said, and the door opened to reveal a tired looking man.

"What…? You're not Dumbledore!" he said.

"Yes, I'm aware of that. I am Lord Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. I am currently residing headmaster of a wizard's school called Hogwarts? But the wizards are not what I am used to. And you are?"

"Umm, Remus Lupin. I used to work here, now I'm in the Order of the Phoenix and unemployed. Have you taken over the Order too?"

"I suppose so. What is it you wanted?"

---------------------------------------

Lady Sybil hadn't been this happy since the day she married Vimes.

"They're so _big!_" she gushed, "Like that one that attacked Sam!"

-----------------------------------

Charlie Weasley walked around all of the tiny dragons, trying not to breathe.

"Are they babies or midgets?" he asked a girl.

She looked at him strangely, "Umm, all swamp dragons are this size. Any bigger they wouldn't survive."

"What? But all the other dragons I've seen are bigger. Except the babies, of course." He bent over a pen.

"Umm… I wouldn't do that if I were you-" the girl started to say, but was interrupted as the dragon swelled up and exploded, splattering Charlie and everything around him in bits of dragon.

--------------------------------------

Granny Weatherwax was standing at the front of a class. "Er herm, where am I and who are you?" The students looked at her strangely. Finally one of them raised his hand.

"You're supposed to teach us Transfiguration. We're wizards." he said, hesitantly.

"Am I at the Unseen University? Why are your staffs so small."

The student looked at her blankly. "Staffs?"

Granny Weatherwax sighed. "Are you sure you're wizards? The staffs are those sticks you use. Since when have there been so many girl wizards?"

"No, no!" a female student spoke up. "The girls are witches! Wizards is just a general term!"

"Why are you dressed in such ridiculous wizard clothes. And since when have witches used a staff? Am I at the Unseen University or not?"

"We're at Hogwarts! Witches are the same as wizards, just girls! What's wrong with you?" screamed the girl.

------------------------------

Professor McGonagall was in a very bare cottage with a young girl gaping at her.

"Where did Granny Weatherwax go?" She asked, very directly, "Who are you?"

"I'm Professor McGonagall, from Hogwarts. I believe that your Grandmother is currently teaching my class. Who did you say you are?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"She's not my Grandmother. I'm Tiffany Aching. I'm a witch." the girl said.

"Oh, how nice. I am too." said Professor McGonagall.

"You don't look like a witch."

-----------------------------------

"Mr. Fudge?"

Rincewind jumped. "Er, come in?"

A young man came in. He had red hair and glasses. "Oh, you're not Mr. Fudge. Are you the Prime Minister?"

"Er."

"Well, if you see him can you tell him Percy Weasley's report on Cauldron Bottoms is ready?" He held out a thick packet of papers.

Rincewind screamed and ran out of the building as fast as was humanly possible.

-----------------------------------

"Rincewind!" A man was shouting. Cornelius Fudge wondered who they were shouting too.

"Rincewi- Oh, you're not Rincewind. Take this suitcase!" said a man who vaguely reminded Fudge of his Junior Assistant for some reason.

"Why certainly, thank you," said Fudge, taking the suitcase. He looked at it for a minute, then screamed as the Luggage opened itself wide and started attacking him. He threw it as far away from him as he could.

"You let it escape!" the other man cried in dismay, "And I had just caught it too."

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A/N this is my first fanfic! R/R please, I really want feedback!


	2. Hogwarts

**I am both J.K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett. Use your brains, don't sue.**

**Thanks for all the reviews! Please continue, it encourages me.**

**This chapter is in Hogwarts. Next one won't come for a while, because all of November I will be taking part of NaNoWriMo, but when it comes, it will be set in Ankh-Morpork.**

**Chapter 2 -Set in Hogwarts. **

Vetinari listened carefully while Lupin filled him in on everything that was going on. "And Dumbledore was going to help Harry find the horcruxes and defeat Voldemort before this mix up happened!"

"I see, and would this Harry be a young boy? Messy black hair, glasses, and an oddly shaped scar?" Vetinari asked.

"Yes he is, did you see him?"

"I believe so," he stood up, "this is worse than I thought."

"Why?"

"I believe that your Harry," Vetinari said, "has been switched with the head of my watch, Commander Sam Vimes."

Lupin blinked a few times, then asked, "Can Vimes do magic, by any chance?"

"No, not really, but wait! Has this Voldemort broken the law?" said Vetinari, struck by a sudden inspiration.

"Well, obviously! He murdered hundreds, and used the unforgivable curses too!" said Lupin.

"In that case," Vetinari smiled. It was not a very comforting site. "We may have a chance after all. How do you contact people in this world?"

---------------------

Vimes, Carrot, and Angua had left the three boys (who had admitted to breaking numerous school rules, with a little help from Angua) in the care of a professor who called himself Snape.

"Well, what do we do now?" asked Carrot.

"I don't have a bloody clue," Vimes started to say, but he was interrupted as a huge owl dived at them.

"Get it off me!" Vimes bellowed, covering his face, and completely failing to notice that the owl was nowhere near him, and in fact had perched on a nearby chair, and was holding out its leg.

"Look, its got some paper attached to its leg." Angua bent down and untied it. "It's a note from Lord Vetinari!"

Vimes groaned, "He's here too? What does he want?"

Angua unfolded it. "It says, 'Come to the headmaster's office immediately to meet me. It is urgent we talk, signed Lord Vetinari. P.S. The password is _sugar quills_'" She looked up. "Where is the headmaster's office?"

"How should I know?" Vimes groaned, "ask that professor. Snake was it?"

"It was Snape," Carrot said, "I'll go ask him right now!" he walked back the way they came, and disappeared from sight. A few minutes later, he came back. "This way!" he lead them up and down several different staircases. It took them awhile, seeing as the staircases most definitely were moving, and trick stairs kept on popping up and messing them up. Finally they came to a stone gargoyle.

"Snape said it was here. Apparently, it will open up a secret passageway if we say sugar quills." Carrot said. The gargoyle jumped out of the way, revealing a staircase spiraling up. "I guess this _is _it." said Carrot. The three of them stepped on the staircase and were quickly carried to the top. They knocked on the door, then walked in when they heard Vetinari call.

The Patrician was, as usual, busily doing paperwork. The three of them stood there for a while, until Vimes gave a little cough. Vetinari looked up. "Oh, you can have a seat it you want. I'm just waiting for the rest of us to come." Angua, Vimes, and Carrot, sat down in the plushy armchairs that were around the desk. A few minutes later, Granny Weatherwax came in and sat down, without waiting for the Patrician to notice her.

"Ook?" said someone outside the door.

"Come in, Librarian." Vetinari said. The Librarian came inside and sat down in a chair next to a basket of peanuts.

There was a tap on a window, and Vetinari stopped working long enough to open it for Sybil, who was sitting gracefully on a broom. She flew in and landed.

"Sybil!" Vimes shouted jumping up, "you're here too!"

"Yes, Sam, and you should seriously see the dragons they have here! They're so big!"

Vimes shuddered, thinking of the last huge dragon he had met.

Several minutes later, a loud "Aaaaarrrrgh," came into the room, shortly followed by Rincewind crashing through the window and falling off of his broom. Only then did the Patrician start to talk.

"Everyone is here," he said, looking around at all the confused faces. "Apparently there is an incredibly evil wizard named Voldemort on the loose. The boy who was supposed to take care of him disappeared, and for some reason we've replaced him and many of the people helping him. Basically, its up to us and the magic we have to stop him. They have strange magics, so beware. You have to destroy the little bits of his soul, which are called horcruxes, before he can be killed. Mistress Weatherwax, Librarian, and Rincewind, I'm counting on you to do this. Lady Sybil, Here, a wizard named Lupin wrote all of this down for you, along with a list of the different horcruxes. You may leave now, and good luck." Everyone looked at him for a few seconds, completely stunned. Then Granny Weatherwax stood up and started to leave. Everyone else followed suit. "Oh, Vimes, could you wait for a minute?" Vimes stopped, and turned around. Lord Vetinari waited until everyone else had left.

"Yes sir?" asked Vimes, looking about a foot above the Patrician's head and a little to the right.

"Commander, I know that you must be anxious about this Voldemort. You probably are already planning out some method to arrest him, or something. I'll have you know he can, and will, kill you with just a word, if not a thought. He can escape any bonds that you put on him. You understand that to chase him would be dangerous?"

"Yes sir."

"Vimes, I'm telling you that you cannot chase this wizard."

"Sir."

"To do so would be going against orders."

"Sir."

"I assume that those 'sirs' were yes sirs."

"Sir."

"Alright Vimes, you may leave." Vimes saluted and left.

Vetinari listened as Vimes left. He heard a muffled thump, followed by a string of curses. Lupin _had_ told Vetinari that the walls were magically reinforced.

-----------------------

Angua and Carrot were waiting for Vimes at the bottom of the stairs.

"What did he want?" Angua asked.

Vimes didn't answer. He stayed silent for a few seconds then said, "We have to go after this Voldemort bloke."

------------------------

Granny Weatherwax found her way to a bed. It was overly fluffy, and she was sure the goose needed the feathers in it more than she did, but it was a bed. She lay down and entered the mind of a nearby owl.

Ginny Weasley had finished her homework and was going to have an early night. She climbed up to her dormitory and was about to get into bed, when she noticed the strange, unmoving old woman on it. Ginny frowned. She reached down to wake her up and get her out of her bed, but she withdrew her hand. The woman felt like ice! She looked dead! And she was holding a card with a cryptic message. "I ATE'NT DEAD"? What could that mean? It was strange, and she decided she'd better tell the headmaster.

--------------------------------

Ginny came to the gargoyle and said the password. She knocked on the door at the top of the staircase. "Come in." said a voice. It didn't sound like Dumbledore. Cautiously she opened the door to see a man who most definitely wasn't Dumbledore.

"Where's Dumbledore?" she asked.

"A question I am not certain I can answer, but I believe he is currently sitting in my office in Ankh-Morpork. Who are you?"

"I'm Ginny Weasley. Do you know when Dumbledore will be back?"

"No, though it will probably be when I leave. I am Lord Vetinari. I am acting headmaster until he returns. What did you want?"

"Er, there's a strange woman on my bed, and she's holding a card saying I ate'nt dead, whatever that means. I was planning on going to bed now, but I can't while she's there. She looks dead."

"That would be Mistress Weatherwax, and she's not dead, she's Borrowing. I would advise you not to disturb her. Good evening."

Ginny left, and it wasn't until she was halfway back to the dorm that she realized that she still had nowhere to sleep. Maybe Hermione would know what to do. She turned and went to the library. Where Madame Pince usually sat, there was an Orangutan, and on the floor was what looked like a crumpled camera (which was exactly what it was, as it happens.) Where Hermione usually sat, occasionally accompanied by Ron and Harry, there were three different people. They looked old enough to be professors. Next to them was a stack of books. Curious, Ginny ambled over.

"It keeps talking about _magic _in these damn books. I _hate_ bloody magic." The older of the two men was grumbling. Ginny looked at the stack of books. They were all of the school's books on Harry Potter, which she may or may not have read several times since first year.

"Er, excuse me," said Ginny, a little nervously, "But if you're trying to find out about Harry Potter, you could ask him, though right now I'm having a little trouble finding him now."

"Harry Potter? The skinny kid with the glasses?" said the older man.

"Well, yes, I suppose," said Ginny, taken aback. She wasn't used to thinking of her longtime crush in such unflattering terms.

"Can't. He's taken my place in Ankh-Morpork. Probably messing it up too."

"Excuse me, where?" said Ginny, confused. Now she registered the strange clothes they were wearing. Armor and Chain mail? Swords? What serious wizard would wear that? "Er, who exactly are you again?"

"I'm Commander Sam Vimes of Ankh-Morpork watch, in Discworld, which isn't here. This is Sergeant Angua, and Captain Carrot. You are?" Vimes asked, glaring.

"Er, Ginny Weasley. If you want to know more about Harry Potter, those books don't really do a good job of it. They really are inaccurate, and they only talk about him when he was a baby. The rest is too recent to be in the library."

Vimes groaned and banged his head down on the table, "Bugger," he said, "bugger, bugger, bugger."

Ginny was shocked at hearing profanities never revealed in Hogwarts, although they existed.

"How are we going to find out about them?" asked Angua, "If he's not here, and the books are inaccurate, what are we supposed to do?"

"Well, I know a lot about them," said Ginny, "his best friend's my brother, and we're friends too, sort of. I've even been on some of his adventures. The rest Ron told me about."

"Well, how do we defeat Voldemort? That's what we've got to do, what'd he do?" said Vimes.

"I think it has to do with love," said Ginny, "his mother died to save him, and that's protected him against Voldemort. When he did the killing curse, it just bounced off of Harry's forehead. That's why he has the scar."

"So that's it? Love? I'm sure we could easily arrange that, I'll just get my wife, Sybil, and we can certainly arrange some love to defeat him!" said Vimes, "Carrot and Angua can help too, knowing them." Angua blushed.

"We will definitely help as much as we can, sir!" said Carrot, "Voldemort has broken practically every law in the book!"

Vimes looked at Carrot incredulously. He always forgot how naive Carrot could be when it came to sarcasm and jokes.

"I think there's more to it than just, er, making love," Ginny broke in, "there probably will be some sort of final battle, a test of magic. Harry is a very powerful wizard you know."

"Bloody magic! How are we supposed to defeat him using bloody magic? None of us are bloody wizards, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use magic in _my_ watch."

"You, you're not wizards?" Ginny stuttered, "Are you squibs?"

The three Ankh-Morporkians looked at each other.

"What's a squib?" asked Angua.

"If your not squibs, then you must be _muggles!_ Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against muggles, but what are you doing in Hogwarts? I thought we had defenses to keep you away."

"I don't even know what a muggle is," said Carrot, "I'm a dwarf, Angua is a werewolf, and Mister Vimes is a human."

"You're a dwarf?" Ginny asked. Even sitting down, Carrot was clearly far taller than she was.

"He was adopted," Angua explained. Ginny remembered what Carrot had said about her.

"And you're a werewolf? Do you take the potion? I've never heard of a werewolf who can't be a wizard, or witch." said Ginny.

"What potion? I just change when the moon hits me or I feel like it."

Ginny just stared. She was developing a migraine. Nothing that had happened since dinner had made sense. She decided to just go to bed. She slowly walked back to the common room and up to her bedroom. She was about to crawl into bed, when she noticed that old woman, Mistress Weatherwax, the man in Dumbledore's office had called her. Ginny groaned, wondering what she should do, when suddenly, an owl without a letter tapped on the glass. Ginny let it in, and it sat on the woman's head. Granny Weatherwax woke up.

"I found it!" she yelled, "I found one of those horsecruds to kill Voldemort!"

"That's great," said Ginny, who by now was eager to get rid of this woman and go to bed. Maybe it would all turn out to be a dream, or something. "Where?"

"Two short people with hairy feet are taking it to a fiery mountain to be destroyed. It's a ring. But it's trying to take them over!"


	3. AnkhMorpork

**Thank you, all my lovely reviewers! This Chapter is in Ankh-Morpork, and the next will again be in Hogwarts. See a pattern? I normally will not respond to reviewers because it is too much effort, but o-Vana-o0 wrote such a long and lovely review, I feel obliged to respond.**

**It actually isn't the most complimentary review I've ever gotten, but that is a good thing! I know that I'm not the best writer evere, and I have no problem admitting it. Anyone who wishes to give me bad feedback, so long as it is not too obscene and obeys the laws of common grammer and capitalization, I will be happy. So anyways, the reason Ichose these characters wasbecause, simply,they are the ones I know best.It is time I make a confession, I suppose. Please hold on to your seats lest you die from shock. I have not read all of the Discworld novels. I am working on it, of that you may be assured, but there are a lot, and I only have so much time on my hands. This is my reasoning for all whom are out of character. I have done my best to fix Charlie Weasley's dragon experience in this chapter. Even Granny Weatherwax would be a little confused and disoriented by the change in Universes. In the next chapter, the girl who screamed may very well find herself a toad when she meets Granny in the halls. As for Vetinari, he is, again, disoriented from the Universe switch. I took that scene almost directly from Men at Arms, and this isn't nescessarily at any given time in the Discworld plotline. I decided that Lupin gave him all the information he needed in Chapter One. I also think that Vetinari puts great trust in Vimes, and doesn't realize how dangerous Voldemort is. You must remember, the worst wizards he knows are the ones from the UU, which are not at all dangerous. Granny knew because Mordor is about 3 miles south of Hogwarts. I'm the author, I get to decide, and that's what I say! And I'm sorry about bringing the poor little hobbits into this. I was joking with my friend about that, and I had an idea that was too good to miss! They are only in it for a short scene, don't worry.**

Chapter 3- Ankh-Morpork

Drumknott finished making Vetinari's tea and walked up to the Oblong Office. He opened the door. "Sir I have your-" He stopped. He had no idea who this strange man in deep violet robes and a tall hat was, nor why he was in Vetinari's office. "Excuse me, sir, but who are you?" The man turned around. Now Drumknott could see he had a long white beard, down past his waist.

"I am Albus Dumbledore. Haven't you heard of me? I'm the headmaster at Hogwarts. Er, I think I made a mistake in my apparating, and now I don't know where I am." the old man said.

"No, never heard of you, or Hogwarts. We're in Ankh-Morpork," Drumknott said, "What happened to Vetinari?"

"Who's Vetinari?" Dumbledore asked, "Where is Ankh-Morpork?"

"How have you not heard of Ankh-Morpork? Or Verinari?"

"How can you not have heard of Hogwarts? It's the most famous Wizarding School in the world!"

Drumknott released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Oh, you're a _wizard_" he said, "that explains everything. Is Hogwarts another name for the Unseen University? Er, you seem to have misplaced your staff."

"Never heard of the Unseen University, and I don't have a staff. Just a wand. I think you'd better explain more about this Vetinari character. Er, you are a wizard, right? Not a muggle?"

"I'm not a wizard! And I most certainly am not a muggle! Whatever that is."

"A squib?"

"Never! I am ashamed you'd even ask."

"Er, you haven't heard of either of those have you?"

"Well, no," Drumknott said, sullenly.

"Well, you are a muggle, or non-magical person, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Tell me about…wherever we are."

"This is going to take a long time."

Several hours passed while Drumknott explained every detail he could think of that had to do with anything Discworld. Finally he finished.

"Interesting. So no one but you and me know that this Patrician of yours is missing. You wouldn't happen to have any…hair or whatnot from Vetinari? Nail clippings would work too, but I'd rather not have to resort to that."

"Yes, it is well known that that Fernaz the Freaky, God of Fetishes has been known to" Drumknott paused, "misuse hair left around by people. I don't care normally, and he is rather a minor God, but still, I'd rather he didn't, I mean this is the _Patrician_ we're talking about."

"Wonderful! May I have some?" noticing Drumknott's terrified expression, he continued, "don't worry, I'm not going to 'misuse it,' I'm just going to use it to make a potion that will disguise me as the Vetinari. It would be better, I gather, that no one knows he's missing from what you say. I will just disguise myself as Lord Vetinari, and run the city until this whole mess clears up."

"My gods, you're brilliant!" said Drumknott, after thinking this over for a minute, "But- are you sure you can successfully handle Ankh-Morpork?"

Dumbledore looked at him. "I've run a _school_. With _adolescents._ I can tell you quite certainly, no silly little city can be harder to handle than adolescents."

Drumknott shuddered, remembering a certain summer a few years ago he had spent with his 13 year old niece. "Fair enough, good luck, sir!"

-------------------------------------------

"What's the new man's name?" asked a girl (who's name was either Emma or Sara).

"No idea," said another girl (who's name was Sara or Emma).

"Um, Person? Please wake up!" said Emma or Sara.

"He's not waking up, I'll call someone from the Doctor's Guild!"

"No way he'll make it then! They'll hit him with a club and charge us for it!"

Just then, Charlie Weasley groaned and started to wake up, saving him from instant Death by Doctor.

"Oh look, he's waking up!" said Sara or Emma.

"Wha…where am I?" Charlie said groggily, "What happened?"

"You were blasted by a dragon when it exploded," said Emma, unless she was a Sara, "Why didn't you get behind the blast plates?"

"Blast plates?" Charlie said, utterly dumbfounded, "Wait a minute, why did the dragon explode? What's this slime on me?

"Oh, that's dragon innards," said Sara, who may actually have been Emma, "Of course the dragon exploded, you bent down, it considered you a threat, and it exploded on you! Don't you know anything about dragons?"

"I know plenty about dragons, thank you!" said Charlie, "I work with them in Bulgaria! Only, they're a lot bigger and don't explode usually."

"Bulgaria? What's that?" asked Sara or Emma and Emma or Sara.

Charlie stared at them before asking, "Where exactly _am_ I? Who are you?"

"We're Sara and Emma," said Sara and Emma, completely failing to which one was whom, "you, obviously, are in Ankh-Morpork."

"Ankh-Morpork?" Charlie asked, bewildered, "Oh bugger!" Ignoring the shriek as innocent Emma and Sara's ears were tainted, he tried to apparate home. He landed in the middle of a grand house in front of a very surprised looking Wilikins. "This isn't the Burrow, or my flat in Bulgaria!" he said, bewildered.

"That's very true, sir," said Wilikins, subtly rearranging his grip on the carving knife he had been using to carve a steak into a better grip for stabbing intruders, "Who exactly are you? I'd guess a wizard. I know Mister Vimes has told you that he wants no part of magic in police, right?"

"Look, I have no bloody idea what you're talking about, but yes, I am a wizard, I have only met Mister Vimes for a good 30 seconds, and I am completely lost, and I my only possible conclusion is that I am in an entirely different universe somehow or another, and that doesn't really seem possible!" Charlie ranted. He had faced the Hungarian Horntail more times than he could count, and never had he flinched (except the first time, but that doesn't count), but that didn't make it any easier to face the fact that he was horribly and completely cut off from everything he knew. But wait! That wasn't quite true! Weren't Harry, Hermione, and Ron in that library with him?

He turned to Wilikins, "Please help me, do you have an owl?" Charlie looked down at himself, "Er, I'd also like a change of clothes, if you don't mind, I seem to have dragon innards all over me."

-----------------------------------------

Ron, Harry, and Hermione carried the petrified thief into the watch house. A beautiful woman with a beard was sitting at the front desk.

"Hello, I'm Cherry Littlebottom, how may I help you?" Ron stamped on Harry's foot, he was goggling.

"Oh, er, right," Harry stammered, "Um, hi, I'm Harry, and this is Ron and Hermione. This man over here attacked us, is this the place to bring him?"

"Why, yes, just give him to Corporal Shoe over there," she pointed over to a decaying figure, "Reg!" Reg Shoe turned and walked over to him.

Harry gave a scream and brought out his wand, "Inferious! Don't worry guys, Dumbledore showed me this spell that gets rid of them!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Cheery, "Why would you want to get rid of Reg? He's a valued member of the City Watch."

"Does the City Watch work for Voldemort? Why do you have Inferi in your Watch?" Ron asked.

"What's an Inferius?" Reg asked.

"Harry," Hermione said, "I don't think that's an inferi. I read that they can't talk."

Ron started to grin a little, "Let's do as Snape suggested," he ambled over to Reg. "Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?"

"No, I don't think so, I'm a zombie. I got shot by a bunch of arrows, and I just didn't die."

"Harry, lay off. This may be a solid ghost, or something," Ron said. He walked over to Reg, "Sorry about my friend, he's a bit crazy," Harry glared at Ron, who winked back, "he's working hard to save the wizarding world from Voldemort."

Cheery suddenly looked grave, "Oh, you're Wizards, Mister Vimes won't want you here. He doesn't like Wizards messing around in the watch."

"Vimes isn't here, we're kind of lost. I think he's where we are supposed to be, and it's all very confusing, and it has a lot to do with magic gone wrong. It's very confusing, but please let us stay here, I think it's where we're supposed to do something." Harry said.

Cheery looked skeptical, but before she could say anything, _something_ ran in. It was vaguely humanoid, but smelled nasty, and had skin that was not so much spotted as spot.

"What is that?" Ron whispered to Hermione.

"Ron! It's a person! I think. Don't be rude!" She responded.

"I'm human!" the thing said, "I got papers!" It thrust a grimy bit of paper at the trio.

_I, after hearing evidence from a number of experts, including Mrs. Slipdry the midwife, certify that the balance of probability is that the bearer of this document, C. W. St. John Nobbs, is a human being._

Signed, Lord Vetinari.

"Allow me to introduce you to Corporal Nobbs, known mainly as Nobby," Cheery said.

"Er, hello, Nobby," said Hermione. It, no, _he_ grinned.

"I'm Ron, this is Harry and Hermione," Ron said.

Harry was still looking at the note, "Who's this Vetinari bloke?"

"The Patrician," Cheery said, failing completely to explain herself more fully, "What is it, Nobby?"

"Somethin's come out of the University and is killing people," said Nobby, his eyes grew wide, "_without a license!_"

"No license, you say?" said Cheery, "That _is_ bad," she turned to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, "You three are wizards, even if one of you is a girl, why don't you three head down to the Unseen University and figure out what this is all about?"

"What's that?" asked Ron, "and how are we supposed to find it if we can't see it?"

"You really are new to Ankh-Morpork," Cheery said, "Nobby, it seems you are due for your break, take your hands _out _of Hermione's pockets, it is rude to steal, and you know it," Hermione turned around and saw Nobby guiltily withdrawing his hands. "Before you go, can you get Detritus for me?" Nobby nodded and dashed away.

A few minutes later, a large boulder walked into the watch house, "Ah, Detritus," Cheery said, "Can you take these three to the Unseen University?"

"Ok," said the boulder, who was apparently called Detritus, "Who are dese?"

"Hermione, Harry, and Ron, meet Detritus the troll."

"Hi," said Hermione awkwardly.

"Come along!" Detritus said, and led them out of the Watch House.

--------------------------------

All of the Guild Leaders were in the Oblong office for the planned meeting with the Patrician, but things were not going as planned.

For one thing, although this man was no doubt Lord Vetinari, he was somehow less intimidating, more jolly, and gave the impression of being a deranged owl, instead of his usual predatory flamingo impression.

And he was going on about "Guild Unity."

"Now, Lord Downey, Mrs. Palm, I want your Guilds to put aside your differences, and get along." Vetinari was saying.

"Sir, I assure you, the Guild of Assassins has nothing against the Guild of Seamstresses," Lord Downey said.

"Nor we against the Guild of Assassins," Mrs. Palm added, "They are some of our most frequent customers."

"Tear a lot of clothes, do they?" asked Vetinari, all of the guild leaders laughed. Vetinari looked slightly confused, but he recovered quickly. "Anyways, we are coming into very dark times, dark times indeed."

"What?" asked Lord Downey, "Times are no darker than they were yesterday, and less dark than last night!"

"It is a figure of speech, my dear Lord Downey!" Vetinari sang, "It means that the future is going to be hard and we must work together to pull through!"

Lord Downey did not believe anyone had ever called him "my dear" ever, especially the Patrician.

"Life doesn't seem any harder than it usually does," Mr. Slant said.

"Well, keep it in mind," Vetinari said, "and now, please, I'm sure you all are very busy, don't let me detain you!"

They were the right words, but they didn't hold the normal tone. Instead of making them feel as if they were likely to be killed if they let themselves be detained, it sounded as if the Patrician really and truly did not wish to detain them. The guild leaders left, feeling bewildered and hoping they'd wake up the next day and find out it was a dream.

**I don't like this one as much as the others. It has its good points though. It is un-beta'd, as were the other chapters, because I don't have a beta. If anyone wants to beta me, tell me and I'll be glad to return the favor. Reviews are as always appreciated!**

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


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